tabster23's Xanga

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Wed, 26 May 2004 03:35:00 GMT

I guess I just needed somewhere to let out... It's been a long time since I've felt the need to write... or rather type... pretty noticeable from the date of my last post here I guess... haven't really been missing, just that other things have had priority over this I guess... I've been fine enough I guess...

Many changes have been made... Some good, some ok... And some things have remained... I still have the same job... Still enjoying it pretty much... It's interesting enough, except for them reports that have to be churned out at the end of every month and after ever event... Church has been a little different... Been attending Damansara Perdana almost every week as compared to last time, when I usually attend Damansara Heights... Spiritual life hasn't been all that great... not feeling much these days, due to some choices I've made... Some of my attitudes have changed... I guess some for the better...

Well... I don't really know what I'm crapping about here anyways... cos... yeah... Just feeling downright out... have stopped doing office work for awhile to jus write crap here for a bit... haven't accomplished much at work today... feeling pretty 'sien'... no idea why... no obvious reason either... so yeah... I guess I'll jus go slowly thru the day and end up on my bed early tonite... take it bit by bit la...

I really don't have a reason why I'm feeling like this... I should be pretty fine n all... considering the fact that I just watched Shrek 2 yesterday... was hilarious... I probably laughed too much, and so to balance off, I guess I'm feeling like that... but sighhh... watever la... even eating my white chocolate hasn't helped perk me up yet...

So yeah... I'm sorry this page has been kinda like MIA for a bit... but yeah... I'm not able to use the pc much at home... and at the office, I'm expected to do office stuff la... so yeah... I've still got a bit of adjusting to do... with the different areas of my life... till then... there'll still be nothing on this page for a bit I guess... Sorry...

-tab-

Monday, April 12, 2004

Mon, 12 Apr 2004 17:20:04 GMT

Don't seem to be able to fall asleep.... but will definitely go in awhile... think I need to kua... with work and all... if not... I'll probably end up like today... super tired in the morning...

Well... the hectic week is now over... and yeah... it'll be different lor... hmm... Sunday afternoons will from now on be back to spending them at home... sighh and double sighhh... considering the fact on how much I love my home... so yeah.... And yeah... will have to be going home after work everyday... hmm... back to my 'no-life' life....

But yeah... Easter's over... and yeah... it's been a good week... good enuff lar, n yeah... no complains...

Back to work this morning... was trying not to fall asleep in the car this morning while on the way to work... pretty tired out... was trying to wake up till bout 11am... then after that, it was ok... back to normal... work has been good... been busy, which is a good thing... good getting stuff done... gearing up for a big project at the end of April... maybe not all that big, but it's a first for me, and yeah... will be seeing how things are done, and also assisting... so that I will be able to handle it by myself or rather head projects like this in the future... enjoying my work pretty much...

Couldn't really sleep.... *shrug* called Sheryl jus now.... wanted to call her earlier on to tell her that I watched the Easter VCD and tell her she did well... but forgot to, til like 12 plus... since I didn't haf nothin' to do.... talked to her till bout 1/2 an hour ago.... was good talking to her... she was telling me bout the kids in Kumon n some other stuff... I miss the kids there... quite a bit... but it was real good hearing bout them n all, n aunty Vonica kids still sound jus like they've been... with the exception of one or 2 new ones... I'll probably swing by there one of these days... after work or something... I'm glad u're doing fine there Sheryl... I knew u would... even thought u said u're not good with kids and all... but hey... look at u I think u're good... haf fun girl....

Anyways... I think I'll cabut off now... will probably go back to my room to play with 'Daphne'.... not feeling wonderful.... so yeah... I'd better go... Joel sent me a Flash thingy that he did very cun... funny la...

Good nite to whoever reads this...

Currently Feeling : Weird... not sleepy... dun rilli noe lar....

Currently Listening : Learning To Breathe - Switchfoot

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 03:20:43 GMT

Once again, I'm presented with choices.... it's just the same as the ones before, except perhaps this time I know more about the choices I have in front of me. Not that I haven't known them before... but, this round's decision, I do have a clearer idea about my options. I am older now... and haha... I thought that would've made making choices in life a little easier, since u're supposed to be wiser, more experienced, etc.... Hmm... guess it jus don't work that way....

I'm out there again, by the river's shore... This time, I have been in n thru the waters... And well... it's been great... I've enjoyed splashing thru it, jus immersing myself in it... taking in every sensation that the waters offers... And it's been bad too... when u're too long in the water, u can't bring urself to get out of it... there are undercurrents that might jus sweep u off ur balance if u're not careful...

I've for a moment stepped out of the water, standing on the bank, thinking about what to do next... The water's pretty inviting... My heart wants to go back into the water... another part of me is cautioning me to stay out... telling me, the water's not safe, u might drown.... jus turn around, and walk away... But how??? As I pace back and forth on the riverbank, I can feel the grass n sand beneath my feet... it's pretty peaceful around me... but inside... it's a total reverse of that... the conflicting pulls of two ends of the line... Which choice would be the better one, which one would be the one to take... I do know... but then again... wants n desires n needs n beneficiality are all crowded together in the closed recesses of the space between my ears... all striving to be the one chosen...

I don't know....

Current Mood : In conflict... tired... blur... very blur.... tired out from practices n stuff...

Currently Listening : The Night Santa Went Crazy - Weird Al Yankovic

Down in the workshop, all the elves were making toys,
For the good gentile girls and the good gentile boys;
When the boss busted in, nearly scared them half to death,
Had a rifle in his hand and cheap whiskey on his breath;
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo,
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled yuletide rambo;
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry christmas to all, now u're all gonna die!"

The nite santa went crazy
The nite kris kringle went nuts
Now u can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without stepping in reindeer guts

Friday, April 02, 2004

Fri, 02 Apr 2004 06:14:07 GMT

I am now writing this at me desk.... Will be doing this in between my work la.... Well... I guess I haven't been updating this for quite a while... missed me? *wink* haha...

I've started me job permanently at IBBM... it stands for Institut Bank-Bank Malaysia... no relation whatsoever to IBM la... and yes, it ain't an engineering job... I'm a Communications Executive... which is basically the same rank as an officer or watever la... normal graduates enter in at this level... under the Customer Service Department... my line of communications has got nothing to do with what i studied either, the non-engineering communications la... *hmm... shoulder's starting to hurt... * I'm probably doing stuff that those ppl who studied mass comm would do lor.... learning new things... n also learning to meet with ppl n talking n communicating professionally... have to know more about the institute also... at this point of time, when i pick up enquiry calls, I jus say "hold, i'll pass u to someone who knows..."

but it's been interesting thus far working here.... like the place... damansara's a pretty good palce to work at... thank God for that... it's basically in the middle... it's not in the middle of KL, phewww *wipes sweat off* near enuff to church, to PJ, to my place... pretty cool....i like the ppl around here that I work with... they're pretty nice... nice enuff to ask u to go lunch with them n all... so u won't haf to be alone... like the office environment... the director likes the colour green... so yeah, carpet is green, cubicle is kinda green... hmm... even the cupboards are green *grin* haha I don't mind it at all... I like green too la umm... besides that... me boss is pretty cool too la... like her pretty much... but sometimes, I worry that I won't be able to live up to what I'm supposed to do, once in awhile la... but she's been pretty good thus far... guiding n teaching me lor... So, basically, I'm pretty much enjoying working... hopefully I will continue feeling this way a year or 2 down the road... we'll see la

hmm... I'm still keying in email addresses now... got a whole stack of them to do... cos yeah... the mass mailer thingy has been kinda down for the past weeks...

1405 hrs..

ok… jus got back from lunch about 20 mins ago... back to doin me email addresses lagi... shoulder still hurtin like crap sighhh... dunno wat to do about it...

ah well... besides these... how've i been? well... i've been umm... i guess, i don't really know... the way i've been feeling, it's been sometimes, really bad... n other times, freakin' good too... but i'm struggling, i guess... at times, it feels like, it doesn't really matter... but then again, when u sit down to think about it... u jus know la... and u don't wanna care... but u do... and so on n so forth... call me stupid... but i can't help it... n i don't really wanna care now... i'm probably in deep s***... hang... feeling hypocritical too... and seriously... i'm sorry....

oh... and btw... don't ask me anything... thanks... i'll get thru this... ~i'll get over it yet~

Currently Feeling : umm.. in pain... shoulder hurts... other than that... it's jus an overwhelming sense of every other emotion...

Currently Listening : I Think God Can Explain - Spender

There's a lot of things I understand
There's a lot of things that I don't wanna know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you to look me in the eyes

It's alright, I'm ok, I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same, I get carried away
It's alright, I'm ok, I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed, I'll get over it yet..

Monday, March 29, 2004

Mon, 29 Mar 2004 15:25:13 GMT

My first day of work today... spent most of the morning in meetings with different ppl.... first off was the HR manager, who explained stuff bout the company n such... then met with my direct boss n the rest of the team, as in the ppl under her.... then met with me boss, n then we met the outsource company rep for the website... so yeah... all in all... that took me nicely til one... lunch time... was kinda sleepy... and yeah... not feeling all too wonderful lor, all in all, due to other circumstances n such.... but it was a pretty good first day at work...

After work, I went home n immediately dropped onto me bed... was tired, cos I woke up earlier than I had to, to send sister n her frens to coll... sighh... less one hour of sleep... kena woken up at 7 plus, went with parents to OUG, to get contacts.... packed my food into a tupperware n ate in the car on the way... then received smses from Lawrence n David that Lawrence's gramma was in the hospital, had a stroke... so, yeah.... so after finishing me dinner, started to compose the CCSM In Prayer.... well.... that made me feel absolutely horrible... crappy max.... felt like puking n all la, by the time I reached OUG... sighh... nauseating....

Ah well.... got home.... came online... has been awhile since I last sat in front of the pc.... not including being at work la of course... Well.... it's really been awhile since I last blogged.... but somehow, I couldn't seem to.... find time for it... n well... other things also la.... things have been different lately... good or bad..? nvm la... doesn't matter for now....

Gotta go.... miss my best fren, me bed much.... Ciaoz.... Not listening to anything.... Feeling... hmmm... I dunno.... dun feel like discussing now...

Loves...

Monday, March 22, 2004

Mon, 22 Mar 2004 13:02:43 GMT

Didn't go to work this morning... slept like an amazing 2 hours plus... n yeah... well... I'm still alive... barely... but stil there la....

Today I got something that I've been wanting since I dunno when... and yeah... I do thank God for it tonnes... and of course me dad.... But yeah... not all too hyped up now cos I'm pretty drained.... so yeah....

Goin to bathe now... n yeah... hopefully sleep after that.... tryin not to go to work mrow... but all depends on how sick I feel....God bless....

Loves.... -tabster-

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Sun, 21 Mar 2004 16:36:02 GMT

It's Sunday....n well... not feeling all too wonderfully well... but not sick either lar... having a row of panadols with me... but yeah... not going to work mrow morning.... probably need to rest lor... but also going to Low Yat with me dad to check out.... hehe pocket PCs yay!!! but yeah... won't like get it mrow la... jus going to see onli lor... but yeah... can't wait to get it

Have been kinda busy I guess lately... or rather jus been coming home late lor... the past week.... went to Sheryl's place to work on getting a song done into MIDI form... dance practice on Tuesday nite... Creative arts n music prayer meet on Wednesday, Mini concert prac on Thursday, church AGM on Friday.... Easter blocking on Saturday, and yeah.. well... today... church lor... it's been pretty tiring... but I've been enjoying myself... even thru the tiredness n lack of sleep n all lar... being with my frens n all... well... have been really good lor.... n yeah... I'm glad and yeah... thank God lor...

Went to Sheryl's place today after dance practice to watch The Passion of Christ with Serene n Marilyn.... Michelle couldn't join us... got assignment or something.... But well... left Sheryl's house with questions running thru my head.... not really questions about the show... but more on my reactions, or rather, lack of them I guess.... the many things I've heard about the show, that it's well.... umm.... some say touching... the pain Jesus had to go thru for us, most say gory, very visual.... n well.... some closed their eyes a lot thru the movie...some cried.... heard my sister said one died... couldn't tahan kua... *note: I'm not really sure about the validity of the last statement... so yeah, no quoting yar?

I came out from watching the movie, well.... let's see... ummm... I didn't cry, I didn't close my eyes, I didn't flinch.... basically, I guess to me... it's like I didn't really feel anything much lor.... and is that weird for me? I would say, Yes! Cos... well, all my life... okies, maybe not all... but... nvm... I've come to know myself as someone who well... does NOT like pain, either to myself, or towards anything else or someone else.... if I have to endure pain, I will and I can.... it doesn't really matter, cept that, I'd rather not lar... (DUH!! Who would?!?) but seeing pain inflicted on other things or ppl, affects me quite a lot lor... most of the time, it makes me hurt inside to see other ppl or things in pain...n well... most of those most of the times, I do cry...

And well.... yeah... becos of that... I dunno... has made questions fly round me mind like... "Have u lost ur sense of sensitivity?", "Hmm...how come u didn't flinch or anything?", "Why didn't this show make u cry?", "Have u become a lot more cold-blooded than u thot u were?", "Have u totally lost ur 'thing' for compassion?", "Don't u care?"... I don't know... I really don't... I watched them drive the nails into his hands, n I really didn't feel anything.... Well... it could be becos I'm tired... but yeah... I don't really think so.... So yeah... I'm a tad bit confused now at this point... I called Skum earlier on... he asked if I cried... I said, No... not at all... didn't flinch, nada, nothing.... He said that that was his response to the movie too... I dunno... after that, he had to go cos he was out with someone... so yeah... I'm still not sure... I don't really know what to think... *shrug* but yeah... it's ok la... it's nothing big, jus bothering me a little... plus.... got other stuff lar... but nvm for now....

Well... I'm chatting some now... and also going thru Braine's AIM 2000-word essay on marriage, his assignment... done with my checking my mails... owe 2 ppl mails for now... but not feeling like replying now... but should have lar... overdued liao... next day lor....sighhh....

So I think I'll end my post for today here... at this point of time, there's nothing else I wanna say here lor... need time to think some... bout different things...

Current Mood : Umm... not too well, don't want throat to hurt or anything, but hmm... might be starting n yeah... many things going thru me mind

Currently Listening : Desperado - Eagles

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no youger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Tue, 16 Mar 2004 18:05:07 GMT

It's been 3 days or by now, 4 since I decided which job to take on... And well... it feels like whole load of my shoulders... the worrying's gone... uncertainty about the future.... all's kinda gone... cept for nervousness... but I guess this is normal... cos yeah... I'm finally officially working.... n it's something that well... wasn't what I studied lor....

But... I am kinda dissappointed in myself lor... that well.... thinking about the past week or so... the way I reacted to different things... to uncertainty, to making decisions....to anxiety... I don't think I handled things pretty well lor... And also the fact that I was so darned scared.... hmm.... I dunno... I guess that well... I'm not as able to handle things as well as I thought I could *shrug* And well... I basically was so not prepared to stepping into the working world... I didn't know what I wanted... what I liked, or enjoyed... to see or have a vision/goal towards what I wanna be in probably 5-10 years time.... I've never really bothered to think... cos I've never been one of those ppl who have been quite particular about things around them... for me, anything that goes, goes... quite 'chin chai'... and well... I had to think about these stuff lor, for the past couple of weeks... sighh... I dunno... I jus don't think I handled this very well lor... But I do thank God for my frens, especially those who made it a point to pray for me... n also to spend time with me thru my fretting.... even though they couldn't do much... but yeah... being with them was enough lor... when they showed that they cared, n that they believed in u.... it jus touches u so much... the times when u feel like crap, cos there's jus too much to think about... overwhelming the brain space....and well, it's like... jus really cool lor... thank u God n yeah thank YOU (u noe who u are)...

But well.... I wanted wat would be "God's Will" for me lor... n well... I know I did pray... but mayb it wasn't enough... mayb I wasn't all that fervent in my prayers... but yes... I do trust God enough to bring me to where He wants me to be... and I guess I will try my best to do my best in wherever I will be... Do everything as unto the Lord.... the Bible says....

I took the IBBM job... it's a communications job...comprises of PR stuff, marketing, event handling and organizing... etc... well... it's something jus absolutely different from umm.. what I'm supposedly 'specialized' in but who cares... n yeah... I don't think I'll be doing well in the electronics line... I could probably do it if I tried hard enough... but yeah... I think that mayb 3 years of 'almost hell' is pretty much enough la... *raised eyebrow*

My other job offer was from an IT company.... to be in training to becoming 'Operations Supervisor'... well... it's also pretty much a good offer... the place n all looks pretty cool... specially the floor *grin* but... I was scared lor... jus scared about it... many reasons.... but there was a pull towards it too... to hang all sense n jus jump in...

But I guess that didn't happen.. n well... yups... I'm doing fine at this point of time with the IBBM job... will officially start on the 29th of March... will probably take a few days of this week n next to sleep... settle some things, clear up some stuff... etc... b4 I step into the working world... where hehe I'll be a young professional

Well.... today I hurt myself again... sighh... and boy did it hurt.... fell la... First was Sunday when I fell on my head, shoulder n waist.... when I was doing a handstand... jus came crashing down...n yeah... well... wat to do... sunday's fall was kinda scary... but am recovering bit by bit...

I think I'll end here for now... there are many things that I would like to write... hopefully I can remember them when I next haf time to write in....

Current Mood : In a very umm... not really thoughtful... but more like giving some thought to wats already been in my mind... things that have perhaps been there for quite some time...

Currently Listening To : Wake For Young Souls - Third Eye Blind

Today I felt my soul
I felt it die inside of me
So I turn to you
Life is like that you know

who we are now, who we are
who we are now, who we are
where does time go now on a wake for young souls
tell me who we are now, who we are
where does time go now on a wake for young souls
Like a lullaby we sing

Let the gift be grown in the time to call our own
Let the truth be sewn before the windows closing
Truth is natural like a wind that blows
Follow the direction no matter where it goes
So it shall be the earth and the sea
Let the truth blow like a hurricane through me

If I’ve been cold, if I’ve spoken in anger, to have been bold, forgive me...

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 04:15:48 GMT

I've taken a half day off from work today.... and therefore am at home now... will be going back to work at about 2...

Took the time off to catch up on my sleep and also to think things thru and pray.... had a second round of talking with someone who offered me a job... this is at an IT company... went to have a chat with him yesterday evening at Tmn Seputeh.... was a bit scared... or maybe not scared, but jus nervous la... thank God for fren who was there with me la.... appreciated that quite a bit...

Well.... I've talked to different ppl around bout these jobs and all la... I've also thought about it... n I'm kinda leaning towards one of the jobs la.... but somehow... I dunno... there's this little nagging doubt lor... whether this IS the job or not lor... I know that well, I'm jus starting to step out into the working world and there'll probably be opportunities for me to move around and all... I suppose I'll be fine... it's just that I've never really made 'huge' decisions like these b4.... decisions that will affect the next course or phase of my life and I'm a little hesitant or maybe cautious lor... I want it to be where God wants me to be.... but I really don't know... cos God is probably not into the business of yelling at me with a hailer to tell me where to go.... He's never yelled b4 at me lor... but.... so yeah... I'm jus praying and well... when it's time to make the decision... I hope it will be the right one lor.... somewhere where I'll continue to grow...

These couple of years that means about a year n a bit....has been a period that I have grown... I have actually seen myself grown.... quite noticeable lor... and yeah... it's been... umm... good lor I guess... yeah... it's been good... not EVERY moment... cos there have been times like I've felt like an idiot, but looking at the whole picture... yeah... it's been good....

Gotta go now... get ready for work... will continue updating later kua... got practice for easter tonite.... so after that la... we'll see....

Current Mood : Pretty fine... jus a little uncertain about stuff now... but other than that, physically I'm fine... slept enough *grin*

Currently Listening : Open Our Eyes Dear Savior - Ginny Owens (City On A Hill - The Gathering)

Teach us to love You
We want to love You more
Teach us to serve You
We want to serve You Lord
We want to learn Your ways
Reveal Your heart to us
Open our eyes, dear Savior
Your light is marvelous

Open our eyes, dear Savior
Your love is marvelous

===================================================

Well... I'm back from work... having me dinner now while on the net... and well... jus waiting for time to pass... got practice later lor... dance for easter...

hmmm... well... how time flies.... it's time to go.... i've been emailing n chatting.... emailing kar mei... haven't heard from her since she left....

toodles.... till the next post la.... loves.... to whoever i love la...

Monday, March 08, 2004

Mon, 08 Mar 2004 13:42:03 GMT

HAH!!!

Jus got back from work n having me dinner in front of the pc... dad cooked porridge plus 'siew yoke'... roasted pork that is.... pretty ok... at first thot it was gonna be jus white porridge (bluekk... ewww...) but yeah... it wasn't la so it's pretty ok la... no complains.... *shrug*

Gramma in Penang's in the hospital... Been in there since I think last Tuesday or Wednesday.... was in ICU, but yeah... out in normal ward now lor... she's better I guess... breathing a bit better n less liquid or watnot in the lungs lor... Me cousin sms-ed me a little earlier on.... said that she'll be going back to Penang this weekend to visit me gramma... she said she'll try to talk to me gramma n pray for her, both for healing and salvation.... said that my gramma was afraid of death or something... do pray with me that somehow she'll listen to me cousin n God will prepare her to listen n all lor... n also pray that my cousin won't get objections from the rest of me family lor... since they aren't Christians... but most importantly, for her to be receptive lor...

Will be going for a 2nd round of talks for one of the job offers I got.... see how lor... I'm looking at these jobs as a place where I will be able to see myself grow into a person that I will be, and hopefully also the person that God wants me to be lor.... maybe to be a bit stronger, and also more sure of myself, confident would be a better word.... maybe a bit more assertive n firm kua... I dunno... but yeah... I'm sure that, well.... wherever I end up at, it will all be in God's plan, His good and perfect plan.... thank you all for praying for me... I really appreciated all the little notes n icq msgs of encouragement n prayers.... thank you for caring.... it has really meant a lot a lot to me...

Well.... that's it for now la.... I have to finish eating... been taking about an hour to finish me porridge, still haven't finished yet.... dad might start to get annoyed....

Will update next day or something bout how things go mrow.... see la see u all.... God bless....

Current Mood : Tired.... A bit... but... not really high la.... been thinking too much thru the day.... *shrug*

Currently Listening : Beautiful Scandalous Night - 6pence None The Richer & Bebo Norman (City On A Hill - The Gathering)

At the wonderful tragic mysterious tree
On that beautiful scandalous night you and me
Were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
On that beautiful scandalous night